2 years ago this day, Mg was found dead at the bottom of a block of flats in Clementi, far away from where she lived. I was told that next to her body was found the bible - the Word of God.
Mg was my JC mate. We had clicked well in JC because we had similar backgrounds and interests. She had beautiful sparkling eyes, rosy cheeks, freckled from too much outdoor activities, and an ever mischievous smile. Despite the problems in life she had to face from time to time, she had always displayed a positive, cheerful disposition, always putting her trust in the God she had known since she was born. We had kept in touch on and off all through the years even after we've left college and went on to different varsities , even after we went on to work in different fields. She was one of the only 3 people whom i have invited to attend my baptism.
She was an engineer by training but found her calling in teaching autistic kids so she had resigned from engineering to take up a course in special education at her own expense, went on to take a huge pay cut to teach in one of our special schools here. The job was , as imaginable, challenging and possibly emotionally draining but she had found it worthwhile enough to continue for almost a decade. We lost touch about 3 to 4 years back and then,about 2 years ago she contacted me and told me she had resigned to take a break from work. We met several times after that, and she told me she was looking for another job; meanwhile she had sold her flat, splurged on a new car, went travelling and scuba diving several times and was basically 'enjoying' life. i did at that time, found her extravagant lifestyle a little unlike her but thought then she really deserved a good break.
However, something did worry me the last two times we met: her mood swing was swift and apparent, from enthusiastically talking about her next planned diving trip to complaining at an almost paranoid level of noises caused by her ex-neighbour--she was sure there was a conspiracy by her ex-students, ex-colleagues and ex-neighbours to disturb her at her old flat, so much so she had to sell it. Her bitterness towards her ex neighbour and colleagues were so evident and her sometimes incoherent story worried me. The more worrying thing was, i noticed drugs in her car that were meant for schizophrenic patients. (i know someone taking the same drug). But i didn't dare probe her about it. i also did not bother to call her up to find out how she was doing when she didn't contact me for almost a few months after we last met. Afterall, she had still seemed rather cheerful and was talking about her next diving trip.....
And then, news came about her death, i couldn't believe it. i sms-ed her, hoping in vain for a reply but to no avail. Finally, i called up the source of the news and found out even sadder news-
-the family had not known when but Mg had suddenly shown a drastic change in personality, had had frequent quarrels with the family and had accused family members of doing things behind her back, so much so she had fallen out with all of them, including her beloved nieces whom she had adored.
Mg was my JC mate. We had clicked well in JC because we had similar backgrounds and interests. She had beautiful sparkling eyes, rosy cheeks, freckled from too much outdoor activities, and an ever mischievous smile. Despite the problems in life she had to face from time to time, she had always displayed a positive, cheerful disposition, always putting her trust in the God she had known since she was born. We had kept in touch on and off all through the years even after we've left college and went on to different varsities , even after we went on to work in different fields. She was one of the only 3 people whom i have invited to attend my baptism.
She was an engineer by training but found her calling in teaching autistic kids so she had resigned from engineering to take up a course in special education at her own expense, went on to take a huge pay cut to teach in one of our special schools here. The job was , as imaginable, challenging and possibly emotionally draining but she had found it worthwhile enough to continue for almost a decade. We lost touch about 3 to 4 years back and then,about 2 years ago she contacted me and told me she had resigned to take a break from work. We met several times after that, and she told me she was looking for another job; meanwhile she had sold her flat, splurged on a new car, went travelling and scuba diving several times and was basically 'enjoying' life. i did at that time, found her extravagant lifestyle a little unlike her but thought then she really deserved a good break.
However, something did worry me the last two times we met: her mood swing was swift and apparent, from enthusiastically talking about her next planned diving trip to complaining at an almost paranoid level of noises caused by her ex-neighbour--she was sure there was a conspiracy by her ex-students, ex-colleagues and ex-neighbours to disturb her at her old flat, so much so she had to sell it. Her bitterness towards her ex neighbour and colleagues were so evident and her sometimes incoherent story worried me. The more worrying thing was, i noticed drugs in her car that were meant for schizophrenic patients. (i know someone taking the same drug). But i didn't dare probe her about it. i also did not bother to call her up to find out how she was doing when she didn't contact me for almost a few months after we last met. Afterall, she had still seemed rather cheerful and was talking about her next diving trip.....
And then, news came about her death, i couldn't believe it. i sms-ed her, hoping in vain for a reply but to no avail. Finally, i called up the source of the news and found out even sadder news-
-the family had not known when but Mg had suddenly shown a drastic change in personality, had had frequent quarrels with the family and had accused family members of doing things behind her back, so much so she had fallen out with all of them, including her beloved nieces whom she had adored.
-she had also distanced herself from the groups of close friends she used to hang out with and instead started to go on trips with strangers
-she had been putting up in her car at night as she had no where to go after selling her flat and falling out with the family;
-she was terribly angered when the family suggested she visited a psychologist or counsellor;
-nobody in her family knew if she was mentally ill or emotionally traumatized and nobody knew why she had chosen to end her life that way;
The thoughts that had come to my mind since then were:
-what was on her mind before she jumped?
-if she was truly suffering from a mental illness, was her mind clear when she jumped? Had she decided to end her suffering or had she been affected by 'noises' prompting her to jump?
-what had she gone through that had caused her to contract such a torturous disease?
-would it have helped if i had confronted her about the drugs, been more concerned about her state of mind/health and brought it to her family's attention?
-where was God the moment she jumped?
i had not been able to resolve the answers and i had felt a sense of guilt all these while, so much so i did not have the courage to attend her wake nor to pay respects to her at the church crematorium during her death anniversaries. It takes a lot of courage to choose to end your life by jumping from a block of flats, Mg WAS a courageous and plucky girl but i didn't in my wildest dream expect her to use her courage in such a tragic way.
She was only in her thirties.....
Our society needs to provide greater support, resources and help for patients suffering from mental illness and their families.
-she had been putting up in her car at night as she had no where to go after selling her flat and falling out with the family;
-she was terribly angered when the family suggested she visited a psychologist or counsellor;
-nobody in her family knew if she was mentally ill or emotionally traumatized and nobody knew why she had chosen to end her life that way;
The thoughts that had come to my mind since then were:
-what was on her mind before she jumped?
-if she was truly suffering from a mental illness, was her mind clear when she jumped? Had she decided to end her suffering or had she been affected by 'noises' prompting her to jump?
-what had she gone through that had caused her to contract such a torturous disease?
-would it have helped if i had confronted her about the drugs, been more concerned about her state of mind/health and brought it to her family's attention?
-where was God the moment she jumped?
i had not been able to resolve the answers and i had felt a sense of guilt all these while, so much so i did not have the courage to attend her wake nor to pay respects to her at the church crematorium during her death anniversaries. It takes a lot of courage to choose to end your life by jumping from a block of flats, Mg WAS a courageous and plucky girl but i didn't in my wildest dream expect her to use her courage in such a tragic way.
She was only in her thirties.....
Our society needs to provide greater support, resources and help for patients suffering from mental illness and their families.
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