a year of disasters, globally, personally
tis' the year in which many on earth had lost much precious things...
I wasn't exempted
in particular,i've lost
my spirit, interests, hope and faith
Faith:
i've lost faith in people long ago, and then this year
i woke up one day
and decided to give up my faith in God too,
yea, in that way it won't hurt so much...
Hope:
Hope is the biggest tool for self-fulfilling lies
i've given up hoping...
no hopes, no disappointments...
Interests :
i've lost interests in all events
happy or sad,they are meaningless to me
in that case, my emotions don't have to ride on a roller coaster....
so,
do not forgive me
if i'm not at all excited about your wedding or your new born babes
do not forgive me
if i'm not upset over your illness or your death
do not forgive me
if i appear to be cold and unapproachable
cos
i'm not even interested in my own well being
if i were told i'm struck with a terminal illness now,
i would be glad that finally, i can say goodbye...
cos i've lost the spirit to live as well...
Funny how within a week, without intention, i happen to watch the Korean drama serial "Thank You" , Frank Capra's black and white movie "It's a Wonderful Life" and "Batman 3-The Dark Knight" in a row...how the stories revolved around the theme that the heroes and heroines never seemed to lose their faith in life and in mankind despite the terrible experiences they've gone through. ...
still, i was not at all convinced.
i've not got any devastating experiences to speak of, so i ought to be grateful,
i ought to cheer, i ought to appreciate ...
ya, strangely,
that's how i started this year's blog: with a thankful appreciative heart
and then along the way,
i found my way to the valley of darkness and
it was a point of no return..
Call me an ungrateful selfish brat, scold me for wasting my life away when many others would love to have it and would probably do greater things with it in this world...
i don't care, honestly....
i don't want to care,
ever wonder why scare is spelled s..care ?
It's scary when you have too much to care...
The only one thing that is keeping me alive,
the only one thing i'm still interested in,
is still
travelling
without worries, without restrictions, without a care...
in fact, if i do have a death wish...
it would be to make one last long trip to another beautiful, unpolluted snow mountain by
a crystal clear lake,
to lay there under a starry starry sky,
and then
say goodbye and breathe my last....
to have my ashes strewn around the mountain and the lake
and my soul (if there is one) resting happily there in eternity
This, had been such a year,
in which all these thoughts had been on my mind constantly for months....
in which my spirit had made its home in a grave yard, buried, deep beneath.
2009....wassup?
