绝代双骄 Lilies of the Valley

They were born in relatively well- off families, daughters of fathers who were themselves leaders of their countries.

Though brought up in the East, they had also received prestigious education in the best universities in the West, majoring in politics, philosophy and economics.

Beauty, talent, charisma and leadership qualitities they lack not.
But most of all, they had a love for their people, a people who struggled each day to live in strife, fear and difficulty.

They had not chosen to live in comfort and luxury in their adopted countries in the west but had returned home to stand up for their passions and their beliefs-- to seek a change for the better in the lives of their people.

Their fathers had died in the course of politics, their brothers had also died tragically.

Despite falling prey to their enemies' dark forces of violence and terrorism, they had remained brave and undaunted in their quests.

Their youth and the most precious years in a woman's life had been sacrificed on what they had believed to be worthy causes.

My deepest respect to:

Benazir Bhutto (21 Jun 1953-27 Dec 2007) : may her soul finally find peace ;

Aung San Suu Kyi (19 Jun 1945--?): may she live to see peace, the peace and freedom she has been sacrificing for.

Paris Hilton and many others, women and men of our times, despite their talents, wealth, power or charisma will never ever hold half a candle to them...

Many people enter politics to attain power, but the purpose for power varies from the desire to obtain more wealth to fame to stability to glory to other selfish purposes, only a handful truly really want the power for the betterment of the country....

When having to face the perils these ladies face, will there still be any of our own home grown elites coming forward to stand for election? ???

既是红颜，更是英才。天妒, 薄命。
愿：往生者得以安息，在生者得以愿偿，她们的家人能坚强，敌人早日玩完，国泰民安。 阿门。

Shanghai..Jiangnan -No.1 of 5 blessed trips in 2007

It's counting down time again, not just counting down to the end of 2007 but also the amount of things to be thankful. Thank God for 2007 has been a wonderful year in which The Lord has kept my family members well and safe, carried me through the lows and bringing me to soar with Him in the highs, most of all, a year in which my thirst for travel had been nearly quenched with a pesonal record high of 5 memorable trips....each with beautiful memories...

Trip 1 : Shanghai & Jiangnan Jan 07





This was a package tour covering in a very shallow manner: Shanghai,Hangzhou, Suzhou, Wuxi and Nanjing,offered at a discounted rate, that kind of tempting cheap offers where most of the time you find yourself being herded around like sheep and spending more time at designated tourists shops than sightseeing. i was prepared for such as we had a pre-departure briefing. Though i've always shunned such package style trips especially to a place i could easily have gone on my own, the offer which was cheaper than the fare of a flight ticket alone was too tempting for me. i, being the typical 'yau-gui' Singaporean that i am, how could i resist? For, i was targeting the free and easy day thrown in where i can visit NF and family and maybe even P & J who had all been in Shanghai for several years and whom i've yet to visit.
Thank God despite the returning flight being delayed for almost 8hours,the trip turned out to be much more enjoyable than i had thought, mostly because we had a rather good combination of people -a professional,smart, thinking and relativley responsible China guide who is quite accustomed to the idiosyncrasies of Singaporeans, who did not hard sell his commisioned items nor even sounded persuasive but did well blending his selling tactics in his interesting introductions and explanations at the various places of interests we visited and this apparently scored well with most of the group members except for one or two; an adorable and ever so happy spirited 'auntie'-Xiuxiu who's overwhelmingly warm and helpful,frank in her speeches and always an enlivening source of the group. She provided much entertainment with her stories as ex-mamasan and her conversion to Christianity, her extravganza ways of shopping and her 'flirtations' with our guide; then the very friendly and responsible bus captain, Sam Shen who would wait at the side of the bus to help the senior passengers up and down the steps each time; and not to forget our very own boyish and good natured tour leader David who had to juggle with all the problems and complaints of 2 bus loads of people, with an injured senior passenger and with his own upcoming wedding preparations the week after...yet remaining patient and good natured throughout.
A big group travelling for more than a week together has to get along at least amiably; a tour group, especially with senior citizens in a foreign land has to have a responsible guide or leader. Thank God we had more than both factors that contributed to a laughter filled time throughout.

i had forgottn to bring along my camera charger and had to make do with the most i can make with the available camera battey life. Most of the pics i took were of the beautiful scenery but retained in my memory shall be the happy laughing face of dear free spirited Xiuxiu, the kind expression of her neighbours- the generous elderly 'Ah Rong-ge' & wife, their very quiet in-laws,the beautiful and charismatic Chinese lady(Kelly) and her husband Lawrence and the youthful Indonesian couple(Ah Yang & wife)

Shanghai-
separated into east and west by the River Pu is nonetheless, a confluence of western and eastern cultures,the modern and the old, the affluent and the poor, a unique place that just somehow evokes nostalgia and entices you to visit it again. Is it a wonder then that it is featured in so many films and stories both from the east and west?

人情の味

In a cold dark 'dungeon-like' place where no sunshine penetrates through, is where i make my living and where my recent affliction occured. Yet it is from this place that a stream of warm current had flowed into my heart and caused my sceptical mind and bitter heart to experience some warmth of sunshine again. i'm not a natural comforter and i know that, to many people, words of comfort and encouragment are not easy to come by when trying to cheer someone else up. Yet, when expressed with sincerity from the heart, the purpose of cheering is half served even if it's just a simple sentence like an invitation to a treat to pizza and chicken wings..: )

Compiled below are most of the kind words of support i've received in the past 3 weeks.
Why post? To show off? Nay! It's so that i can delete them from my handphone...oops!

Actually though a comforter i may not be, a sentimentalist i certainly am. Yea, even when everything is over and the dust has settled, even if these were just moments of kindness that are but temporal, i wish to still savour the sweetness of it all whenever i go through these kind words of concern, of encouragement, of support and offers-to help, sent through the smses and facebook notes from all of ye, my dear colleagues and friends, here and abroad..........

And, should your heart need some warming up, may you share with me the encouragement i've received in these messages, for if even a not-so-friendly person like me received such, what more would you not be blessed with?

I do not promise to be 'cos i don't think i'll be- a nicer person henceforth, but i do pray that The Lord bless all these 'messengers of good cheer' abundantly with His goodness and incessant flow of blessings of good health and divine favours that multiply a hundred fold in each of their lives in this coming year ahead!


[Some messages hv been truncated for privacy purposes]

"Heard what happened yesterday.Don't worry too much. Gather yourself and look forward to be back in operation. This is just a passing cloud. Sunshine awaiting. Need any help or guidance feel free to call. Cheers."

"Pls let me know if i can be of any help. Be with you..."

"遇事时处之泰然
得意时淡然
失意时坦然
艰难曲折必然
历尽沧桑悟然
凡事顺其自然
但若遇见上帝
凡事皆可超然"

"...So don't be shaken, somewhere out there, someone is looking after you."

"It's really a terrifying moment BUT God was watching and his grace is sufficient. Were you too tired cos' it was almost end of the day?

Will pray that you find God's purpose in this incident soon. Often it takes time to see his wonderful directions. Like me, i spent 9 long years with the previous employer before he moved me to a new position. I remain unsure how I will turn out with this new job but I just walk by faith that he is leading me to where he wants me.

Trust that he has the best plan for all of us and be joyful/thankful for whatever that comes our way -

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Take care!"

"Yo..how are u now? Heard abt the event. Hope all is well."

"Not calling u..Dn't think u like it.Available 4 drink/talk anytime. BE STRONG!!"

"Hope you are ok? Feel free to sms or talk..Anytime. Take care."

"Hi. Hope u r ok..Jus happen to see ur blog.. Can call/sms me if u need help!-there is always a silver lining behind each cloud"

"No problem. Sis. Keeping you in my prayers.Take is as a break. Keep in touch."

"Need to talk? I think it's stupid to ......"

"与你共勉之"

"heard abt the "event"..take care yeah"

"Hello, i heard abt wat happened from *****.hope everything will be fine soon.take care. :)"

"Hey,*******,hope u r ok..dun dwell much on it anymr. i had my close ones b4, so i u.std.. i dun knw exactly wat hapn but juz b glad every1 is alive! dun b hard on yrslf k. Cheer up!"

"..i knw tellin u 2 cheer up is phaps smthg quite hard 2 do..but pls try..Jus so u knw, many of us r very very concern abt u. at times we r lost 4 words on how 2 console u..but we r concern. It's not ez 2 go thru tis mentally torturin period, we knw. if i were 2 say i u.std how u feel wld be a lie as i din go thru it.. but ...i hope u remove ths doubts, frustratn, selfbalme n juz focus on wats 2 cm, 1 at a time..b glad tat every1 safe thou its close BUT ALL SAFE! Tats d most impt..unfortunately, tis is part n parcel of our job. dun allow tis 1 factor 2 pull u down ya..take care..Cheer up..! u r btr than u thk! thou u may not c it nw..but u r! Hope 2 c u smile sn.."

"Just rest in God. Remember David has e ugliest enemy on earth yet he won victory by small stones. N the Son of Man has overcome for us e peak of our max trouble sting i.e death. So how can yours not be taken off? No matter wat it is , BELIEVE u r HIS beloved just like apostle John believed. N he has a beautiful ending. Keep me update 2 know how God is going 2 turn it 2 good. Amen."

"Hi, r u still resting or back 2 work? Continue 2 praise God, i know He hears yr heart. I'm not good at words but i can feel e situation u r in. Be of good cheer, lean on Jesus bosom like John. Isaiah 59-60:Behold e Lord's hand is not shortened that it can't save; Nor His ear heavy that He can't hear. N more He will also make yr officers peace..Violence shall no longer be heard, neither wasting n destructn within yr borders. U shall call yr walls salvatn(Yeshua) n yr gates(mouth) praise. Amen.God bless."

"Don't worry too much abt it. Everything happens for a reason that God only knows. Go pray. It will help u."

"When u feel like eating chicken wings n pizza just let me noe"

"Hey,don't worry so much, ....@##$%%&..... We r all a team.Pls stop blaming urself, have a gd meal.ok."

"Hi, *******, can u talk?.........and if u need any assist pls ctc me B-) take care"

"Ger be strong i can feel how u feel.

"I've been tinking. Guess i cant do much less u might find me nagging, so if u shld need someone all u need is just call ok? I noe it's hard but just try 2 call ok n i'll come flying "

"Ger i m loss 4 words. U dun deserve tis ok. everyone make mistake just remember tis."

"Ok. Just remember there r many ppl behind u ok. I mean i can feel how u feel ok. Try 2 sleep ok. Goodnite."

"Hey... You cared enough about this job to see the importance of your instructions. You feel shaken only because you cared. God will always be there. All your friends may not be but He will be so take heart. You've found out from this that you are not indifferent at least. : )"

"We belong to a elite profession..one not appreciated or understood...We are accustomed to a routine of absolute control and perhaps this 'event' reminds us of how sometimes control can escape us. Fret not woman, I never expected myself to have that many friends from the job and am proud to count you as one...your friends and the CLOSE ONE above will always be around.

By the way, Alpha watch boys are always available for a cold one..that is b4 I get shipped off to Delta."

"the most cliche sentence but fact true .... life's a journey but not a destination (even rockband aerosmith agrees) .

for me .... likewise, i dont really "wanna talk about it", i just wanted to be left alone. pple who wishes to "know" should just go around and discuss behind our backs.

but if u wish to lament, i'm sure there are plenty of listening years/ears. give yourself some time to heal.
................
it's our signature in singapore *** to provide a good service hence we sometimes overlooked the possibility of other happenings. but maybe not all, u can see how some experienced colleagues play it slow .... to protect not to provide, but ultimately their asses are hot and safe. we'll all take our chances again, we'll cut corners, to get our job done .... so "***", dont let anything stop u to be a better one."

"All the best today, dun let the Pope get to u :-) Just keep yr cool"

"ah ***, no matter wat happen we r just rite behind u..."

" Pray n hope everything's in God's hand, that strength n peace accompany you always"

"The LORD bless n keep u 2dae."

"Dun nd indebted lah, peng yu peng yu, juz try my best 2 help lor. ....."

"Gal, don't be too bothered with wat happened. whatever happened, can happen to anyone, it's a pure mistake, let's move on ok? Cheer up! :-)"

"Dear ***, Take it in good light that by god's grace, nothing fatal happened. That's of utmost importance. Nevertheless, our guilt and remorse emotions will not fail to haunt us. As it is in our line, unless we are soooo very lucky or perhaps careful or blessed (can't really think of the right word to mean what i want to say), we will have such close shave encounters at some point in time.

I still remember *** telling me during *** incident years ago that one will not understand how tormenting it is to go thru IP check etc unless one is in it himself/herself. You may not even understand why you execute that instruction or manuveur at that time while in position.

So sorry I will not be able to help you with the technical issues regarding the IP check etc. Still I could sense what you go thru from your written accounts. But be strong ******* (eiykss sound so like Korean serieal title), brace yourself up and take it as god's reminder to wake us up from complacency. We go thru similar work scenarios day after day that we sometimes just overlook something without even realising it. Like what you believe, I also believe its god up there who saved the day ultimately.

Do acknowledge what you feel right now, take time to process all your emotions, then put it away and start again. Once you understand your actions, accept what you feel as whatever term describes it, let it go and continue with life. (Some buddha teaching which i choose to believe in)

See ya back at work soon. If there is anything I can be of assistance to, please let me know, like if you need some comfort yummy food to de-stress etc etc...haha."


"If anything, I believe that in your affliction, you've already seen how blessed you really are with the support from friends.

I won't even dare to say I understand how you feel, but take heart that 'this too shall pass'. I shall pray for it to pass sooner than later."

[人情味]--

我想不到一个能够完全表达出它的意思的英文单词, 但却在这些日子来所收到的差不多全是英文的传讯中感受到了.
谢谢大家让我在回到冰冷如雪柜般的暗房工作时, 能回味曾从这儿发出的温馨关怀.

Sleep Therapy

i'm glad the best therapy for me whenever i'm in depression is sleep.

Sleep, as i've read somewhere, is a period when we are unconscious and unaware of our surroundings, a period when our body is rested and get repaired. Yea, i'm an ostrich and burying my head deep in sleep or running away to some far away place is my way of escapism, escaping from things i do not want to think about. i thank God i've no inclination towards nicotine nor ecstasy nor barbiturates not valium nor alcohol when it comes to destressing or getting rid of the blues. Simply--good sleep, and i do not require any hypnotic music or baths or electronically induced therapies or essential oil or any of the 'S'-branded mattresses in order to fall asleep though the last would be a bonus.
i've slept on benches in a park, on seats at the bus stops and at foreign airports, on buses, on trains, on planes, on boats, on grasslands(in tents)....the type of bed does not deter me from falling asleep when i'm in need of it. And when i'm in an escapade mode, the usual noise and disturbances and bed bugs will not wake me up as these will be be shut out totally from my mind.

So, in an escapade mode i was yesterday. After arriving at the flat in the late afternoon, i immediately plunged myself onto the not-so-clean bed and fell into a deep slumber. i missed dinner and my bath totally and was unaware when my flatmate returned. i only woke up this morning, 16hrs since i've plunged onto my bed and if not for the appointment i've made with a friend, i would probably have continued to remain in slumberland.
i thank God for the rest, i did not recall any dreams and did not wake up with any headache as i sometimes would if i'd slept too much. In fact, i felt refreshed. i had good quality sleep.
The hurting in my heart did not subside but at least i don't feel as lethargic and depressed as i did the day before. The worse thing that can happen to a depressed or stressed out person is insomnia.

Thank GOD for sleep, good deep sleep.

Bro.ken Hearted 心 , 碎了

O Heart!
Why? art thou unrepentant?
Why? art thou unteachable?

为何如此如此不争气呀 ?

Have thou not anticpated thou shalt be hurt again?
Have thou not learneth from past injuries?
Have thou not decided to seal thy door
and let it be moved no more?
So WHY hath thou foolishly fallen again?
So deeply, so wholeheartedly?

Thou hath seeketh a sign from the Lord,
And lo and behold! A sign indeed The Lord hath giveth:
so clear, so blatant, albeit cruel!

Art thou satisfied now?
Having been stabbed and a part seemed to be lost?
Feeling the heaviness of disappointment weighing upon thee?

Know ye not from the beginning it would be far fetched?
Know ye not this would be how it would be?
Sigh!!
No! thou art not repentant...

“听说。。。。私定终生”

啊！ 听说罢了。。。心。。动了。。难再止呀！

Lord!! Help!!
Why do You always let me go through this over and over again? Can this not, be once, a fruitful encounter？

[Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert]

Isaiah 43:18-19

Poked and Superpoked !

The much dreaded hour finally arrived and i was called into the room. On my way there, i continued to pray for the Lord's grace, divine favour and wisdom to cover me.

The Lamb and The Ex-pope were seated each on either side of the long table and i sat right in between. The Accidental Cyclist joined us later and i felt bad he had to cancel his leave to conduct the IP. It's terrible to know how many people had to be directly or indirectly dragged into this shit because of me. Still, i thank God he turned up and also for the comforting presence of The Lamb, (he is unto me the 'rod and staff' of the shepherd in Psalms 23).

As i quickly gulped down my 'comfort food', the chocolate that i've hastily popped into my mouth for boosting my energy, i was told the 'grilling' officially begins today.

The session went on for about 1 and a half hours during which i was poked and superpoked (in Facebook language) and fired with about 40 shots.

All thanks be to God for the Ex-pope was the kind and understanding Dr Jekyll today instead of the much anticipated and dreaded Mr Hyde ! Hallelujah! It has to be God!

Although i was poked and superpoked, none of the pokes were nasty nor mean and although 40 over shots were fired at me, each was cushioned with God's grace and i managed to survive the one and half hours without an emotional breakdown. i even managed to view the playback for a second time and was no longer traumatised by it but saw in a clearer way what could possibly have distracted me at that point. i wasn't sure i gave the most satisfactory answers but i did my best by God's grace. Whatever the outcome, i accept it with a thankful heart knowing my Abba is in charge and i can continue to rest in Him. May He watch over whoever that may have to attend the 'poking' sessions as well and cover them with His grace and divine favour.

Oh Give Thanks to the Lord, for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever.
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy,
And gathered out of the lands from the east and from the west
From the north and from the south....[Psalms 107]

Putting on The Armour of God, taking on the Shield of Faith

As the ticking of the watch went by, D-day is mere hours away.

i had sat before the TV since after dinner and had been alternating between Ch U, Ch 5 and Ch 8 till 10pm.

Finally, i decided it's wiser to tuck in early tonight so that i'll get enough rest to endure tomorrow's 'persecution'. But before that, some physical and mental preparation.......

gulped down the bottle of Vitamin C drink 'cos i've have been feeling quite heaty the last 24hrs. and ....finally, armed my mind and heart with the reassuring words of My God who Saves :

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers,they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your GOD, The Holy one of Israel, your Saviour;"
[Isaiah 43:2-3]


"Do not be afraid, nor be dismayed; be strong and of good courage, for thus the Lord will do to all your enemies against whom you fight." [Joshua 10:25]

Thank you Jesus, indeed :

The Lord is my Shepherd; In Him I have no lack.
He makes me to lie in green pastures;
He leads me beside peaceful waters.
He restores my soul; He leads me on the path of righteousness for His name's sake.

Yea, Though i walk in the valley of the shadow of death,
No evil shall i fear.
For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a banquet for me, in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
And i shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
[Psalms 23]

等

Waiting.....

Have you ever waited for the bus to come, for the queue to move, for the jam to ease, for the money to be in.......?

Have you ever waited for a loved one, for a call, for a reply, for help, for a miracle, for healing, for dawn, for the rain to stop, for sunshine to appear.....?

Have you ever waited to hear your test results, to be pushed into an operation theatre, to be interrogated, to receive the pronouncing of judgement unto you......?

Waiting...... is a process that can be a torture, a suffering;
a process where you can develop IBS (irritable bowels syndrome) and constipation,
a process that tries your patience and stretches your wildest imagination;
a process that can cause your hair to drop, or your skin to deteriorate & eye circles to darken...

Photo source unknown

Yet..waiting can also be fruitful and fulfilling,
the time during which you can read something enlightening, or calm your mind and sort out your thoughts, or think of things to be thankful about, or simply have an intimate time talking to and listening to God.

As i count down to the 'meet the ex-pope' session and the grilling and firing that is to come, i pray for a fruitful time, that i may be mentally, emotionally and physically ready for the things that are to come.

Focus on the Flowers

今天，仍是天父让我惊喜连连的一天。三位我意想不到的贵人，在百忙之中分别联络了我并以他 们的所能，伸出援手，赠上了扶杖，好 让我熬过即将面临的难关。 这举，在他们来说是有点冒险的，而他们也没义务这么做，所以我真的受宠若惊， 惊讶于天父再次赐予我的恩典，但也有点让我觉得我这回真的好象跌入了很深很深的火坑，跳不出去了，准备烧成灰烬吧！人即将死都会突然得到周围 的人的善待。这些日子来同事们的关心加上今天这样的结二连三的恩惠真让我觉得自己似乎是即将上绞刑台受刑似的。
欣慰感激之时，也有点怕怕！

但，还是感谢并相信一切乃是主无穷无尽的恩典，告诉自己，即使下星期一真被烤成灰烬，也是值得的。


只愿能当只燃烧成灰烬后重生的火凤凰。

[ Our journey through life is like

a walk through the wild meadow.

Obstacles are everywhere,

but if we focus on the flowers

instead of the thorns

We will gather the joy and beauty

and leave fear and pain behind.]

These were the words on the magnet i received from yet another wonderful colleague this morning.
Indeed, there are so many lovely flowers on this wild meadow i'm on.
Yea, i should Focus on the Flowers...instead of the thorns...

Thank you Lord, for all the angels and lovely flowers you've sent.

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

My Hyde

In all my encounters with the 'Ex-pope' , he had always been The Accuser of the Brethen, often bearing the attitude that we are always guilty and wrong even when proven otherwise.

Thus, when i heard that The Internal IP has partly been convened and will consist of the 'Ex-pope' and (thank God) The Lamb, plus one more to be determined, my heart sank a little and it didn't help that i found out minutes after that, one of my junior colleagues had received an earful from him the night before in the midst of attending another colleague's wedding dinner for a mistake the poor junior had made weeks before! How sensitive can this guy be?

Yesterday, together with The Lamb, he came and view the playback. After that the unfortunate WM who was on duty that fateful day got a shelling from him. The poor WM was accused of failing in his duty as WM in allowing me to continue to work 20plus minutes after it happened. i felt real bad on hearing it, 'cos it was entirely my fault that i only reported the matter after i've finished the whole session instead of immediately when it happened, so how was the poor WM to know ? The kind WM did not utter a word of blame to me but advised me instead to be prepared for the nastiness i might have to face during the IP with the 'Ex-pope' and the potential questions i would have to answer. He even told me to hold back my tears and not take whatever the 'Ex-pope' says to heart. It was really very nice of him. (Another show of GOD's grace)

Now, when i was told the 'Ex-pope' wanted to see me 'off the records' for a 'short chat' immediately just after i've been 'grilled' by the External IP this morning, i was really reluctant to go. My relationship with the 'Ex-pope' could be classified as 'near cold-war' at the most cordial with the possibility of escalating to World War II at the other extreme. As much as i'm concerned, i believe he and i are pains in the neck to each other. i cannot imagine what yelling or shelling i'm gonna get from him and i'm certainly not prepared for it at that moment. But the senior who came to inform me assured me it was just an 'off the records' chat, and that there will be another senior in the room where the 'Ex-pope' was waiting, so i had no choice but to drag my feet into the room, praying in my heart for God's grace...

Dr Jekyll

Whatever i've expected, it certainly wasn't this : a kind smiling 'Ex-pope' sitting relaxed on his chair expressing his concern about how i was feeling. Neither did i expect the whole conversation to be centred on kind, gentle words of comfort and understanding...
"-that the Internal IP will not be ready to see me till next monday so in the meantime i should not dwell on the matter but be thankful it was already over though he admitted it was a 'hairy' experience watching the video playback;
-that it could happen to anyone in my shoes 'cos there was extensive wx;
-that the most important thing now is for me to get my confidence back;
-that i can call him if i needed to talk about it (even rattled off his HP no. to me!) or go for professional counselling arranged by the company;
-that i can consider going on leave and destress myself by watching movies or finding something enjoyable to do....."

To tell the truth, i can't remember much else 'cos i was just stupefied, i guess, more stunned than at the moment the incident happened. Good Lord, why do you never fail to surprise me with your grace? Just this morning, i found a beautiful crystal purple angel in my locker together with a long comforting note from another colleague whom i gathered must have written it with all her heart. So, i would like to believe this sudden display of 'warmth & understanding' from the normally 'accuser of the brethen' is yet another testimony of the grace of God.

My Hyde

Shortly after, the team members who were involved that day when i was working were called one by one to submit their version of what had happened. Now, i've not only dragged the WM into shit, but the whole team. It seemed that the 'Ex-pope' had a notion there were people who were aware but did not blow the whistle immediatley that day and this did not go down well with him.
So, right now, i pray that God's favour and grace be upon my colleagues and WM who have most unfortunately been dragged into this shit, as well as unto me, that i'll see Dr Jekyll and not Mr Hyde at the IP next week.

I have believed that the main purpose of making the report is that we may be able to learn from our errors so as to prevent future misfortunes. If pointing fingers, shelling innocent parties and meting penalties are going to be part of the package, i'm afraid it may just deter people from initiating reports in future.

For if that's the case, life would have been better for everyone if : "NO casualty/complaint => no report => no investigation => no reliving/recalling the incident over and over again => no grilling and answering awkward questions like a criminal => no shelling/fingers pointing => no getting others into shit ...." , hush hush...

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves" [Matthew 7:15] - was the ominous bible verse of the day on my Facebook page....

Abba God, i thank you that you'll take us through with your grace and favour!! Praise ye Lord!

Shaken Again, Touched Once More

Saw the video playback this morning, didn't expect myself to, but was actually very taken aback when i heard from the audio my own voice giving the fatal instruction at the most unbelievable moment, when the two were almost 'kissing'.
WHY ? WHY? WHY ? coudn't explain it , though the kind DYCS who was sitting next to me, tried to help me find a reason for my 'terrible' act.

When i walked out of the playback room, i was once again shaken, found my head a little giddy and was glad i made it up the steps to fresh air. i guess i have blocked out quite a lot of what actually happened the last few days and the horror of the reality woke and shook me again. DYCS offered to arrange for counselling again but i declined.

Went to sit at the lobby to calm down, and in came the guys and girls who have returned from lunch. They have planned something for me tomorrow night to help me destress but before the kind girl could finish her sentence, my tears which have been rolling in my eyes, fell uncontrollably. Thanked them and told them to leave me alone. i guess it was the last straw...to realise again how kind God has been to me, when death was so near His saving hand moved, when i was shaken, support came from up and around,...the amount of grace pouring unto me, i do not deserve it. I am touched.
i shall be alright, in fact felt much better already. Thank you people, once again.

Human Error & God's Grace

"T'is the season to be jolly...fa-la-lalala-la-lalala..."

It's the holiday season of the year and the city is bustling with festive cheers and numerous holiday makers are on the way to or returning from vacations....

Amidst the merry mood, as i walked out of the clinic for the required medical check, these thoughts raced through my mind.....
would i be able to listen to another piece of festive music or bear the sight of another festive ornament again if those few hundreds of lives had been lost as a result of my error?
Would i even be able to walk out of my home to face the world or turn on the TV or read the newspapers again if a national disaster had resulted from my lapse of concentration?

我是否能横眉冷对千夫指,充耳不闻万众怨地活下去？

"It's one of those things, our occupation hazard" ..the WM had said on our way to the clinic, i knew he was being kind, trying to console me in the hope of lightening the effect of what had happened. Indeed, i had known all these years, it's something that might just happen to anyone of us at any time, especially when you least expect it. Yet i had never really felt the horror till reality struck and it was so close, so close to a nightmarish disaster.

Why did it happen? I do not know. How do you prevent a lapse of concentration? How do you explain doing something you knew you ought not to do because it would result in potential risk and just a moment ago said No to the request yet seconds later inexplicably gave the go ahead to do it, completely forgetting about the potential risk factor?

The clinic staff had taken my blood and urine for tests of drugs and i had taken the breathalyser test and found cleared of alcohol content. The doc had asked if i was physically or medically well and whether i was on any medication or suffering from any undue stress or problems at home or at work at the time when it happened. I replied negative to all.

So, what do i think was the cause of it all?-he asked.

Lapse of concentration....was my reply. The cause? I don't know.

In fact, i've been feeling inexplicably frustrated the past few days, on hind sight, it could be a premonition of what was to happen.
Is it a sign....an answer to what i've been asking in my mind and heart all these days? Time to go?

心，不再焉，险成千古恨，

心，不再焉，险成大灾难，

心，不再焉，险抱憾终生。

刚在一个月前，才因心不在焉而跌伤了脚，不料一个月后又差点因心不在焉而铸成大错

提醒自己：从此以后，行、坐、吃、看、或干什麽都得专心，尤其执行任务时，更不应让思绪被杂念侵入。

但,这是我能控制的吗？

若再发生会不会再次逃过劫数？

这种念头很恐怖，会使你不想也不敢再回去工作岗位。

但，感谢上帝让我心平静，让我相信他的佑护，不让恐惧侵犯我。

God's Grace

I detest life's storms, even if it's just a passing one. So, quite often i would question God's love for me whenever little trials pop into my life. My favourite question: Why Lord? Why did it have to happen and to Me? Why？ Why? Why? Why?....when so often the cause is due to my silly errors or wilfulness or disobedience. Yet God has never stinged on His love and grace for me in all these circumstances.

i remember His provisions for me throughout my life, all the times i wouldn't have made it through on my own if not for HIM...sending His help through the people and circumstances that appeared in my life--in all those times throughout my youth, my tertiary days, my trips, the traumatic periods in my household and in this job...

As it is in this incident, IF my colleagues had not been 'on the ball', spotted the potential disaster and alerted me, IF i had not heard their prompting amidst another person's voice coming through my ears, IF the timing was not such that there was still time to avert the disaster, IF the reaction of the potential victims had not been quick enough, ...........
I guess I too would by now have chosen to perish together with the hundreds that would have perished. Thank God for His timely intervention, His saving Grace.

Erring is human, Grace is Divine.

Pastor had said that Grace is the 'unmerited, undeserved, unearned favour of God'

I have not been a good employee nor a good colleague, not even a pleasant one to work with and so i am surprised by the kind words of concern and encouragement that poured in after the matter was made known. The WM took time after work to send me to the clinic for the check when he could have left me to go on my own, the CS sent me a email that expressed his consideration for my feelings and colleagues whom i've not expected them to, sent me uplifting smses...

Thank you guys and girls. I appreciate all your kindness! You are unto me, the grace of God.

GRACE: The UNMERITED, UNDESERVED, UNEARNED FAVOUR of GOD

....is what i'm learning to experience through the little storms that blow into my life.

Jesus said: "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness"

[ 2 Cor 12 : 9]
The apostle Paul had said : "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

[2 Cor 12:10]

囚鸟

我不是一个好女儿好姐姐好老师好朋友或好同事

我讨厌亲情友情世俗观念牵带的所有责任与压力

我想逃想走想跑想飞想永远远离这窒息的地方

何年何月何日何时？

能彻底卸下压得喘不过气却无形的包袱？

背上忠实可靠实实在在的背包，

告别令我烦躁的城市，不再面对丑陋的脸孔

管他什麽公积金退休金医药费家人的生计？

去他屋价车费柴米油盐通货膨胀高升？

无牵无挂无忧无虑

行走蓝天星空下

歇躺雪山湖泊旁

无奈！ 我不能不可不忍不敢

挣脱牢铐身上重重的情锁。。。

活该！

想飞，却怎麽也飞不高。