告别四月天

四月嘅第一日愚人節，
我已預先收咗份最愚人的禮物。

四月最後一日勞動節前夕,預咗係另一個衆人皆喜我獨愁嘅一日，果然連嗰幾十蚊嘅調整都冇我份，擺明係屈我白勞動。不過當周圍嘅人談論紧加幾多陣，我已經可以唔畀自己嘅情緖爲之激動喇。

偏偏其中個有份吸我血汗錢嘅龜孫竟然行咗入地牢，冤家路窄，當堂想吐啖口水落佢嘅面到，好彩佢走得快啫。但係好似注定咿一日唔畀我平心靜氣咁度過。

繼續落來，
我旁邊嘅混蛋又將本來平平靜靜，輕輕鬆鬆嘅狀況攪到不知所爲、害大家一團糟，仲咿邊唔知嗰邊事，最撞火嘅係佢只顧住埋怨樓上嘅人，而應做嘅事，應通知嘅嘢都冇做，我忍住忍住嗰枕火終於又颷返上去，開口頂返佢幾句，話之佢係師兄又點？點知佢仲繼續話係樓上所害嘅！真係不可理喩！

食完飯條氣本來已順返，返入地牢另一班人又另一輪不清不楚嘅交接，又係將責任推來推去。越睇越唸我就越火滾，次次同咁嘅人共事，眼白白睇住佢哋唔會好得我幾多，點解偏偏嚟啲人又冇被列入黑名單呢？點解佢哋又可以享受我被剥削嘅血汗錢呢？憑乜我一個人要捱西北風呢？


令我怒髮沖冠的四月過去了，留下無窮嘅憤慨及心灰。繼續要行嘅路仲好長，爲咗口飯我暫時仲要繼續忍住。。。

別了，惱人的四月，五月是否會更好？

To be or not to be

To be or not to be, THAT indeed IS the question.

Life is about choices, choices we make each moment lead to repercussions for years to come.

Yes, even something as simple as mood:
to be angry or not to be;
to be sad or not to be;
to be thankful or not to be;
to be positive or not to be;
to be discouraged or not to be;
to be fearful or not to be;
to be nonchalant or not to be;
to be wilful or not to be;

to be or not to be ........is a matter of choice.

Each trip down to the dungeon had raised my temperament to boiling point.
Could i have chosen to remain neutral, oblivious or nonchalant?
Could i have chosen not to let my whole being be charged with such high voltage?
Could i have chosen not to allow my temper to rise?
Could i have chosen to walk out of the cage of anger that i have set upon myself?

i could but wilfully did not

i had chosen to cling fiercely,stubbornly onto the cage, for it was the only share i was dealt with.


i ought to,
i need to,
i 'll choose to
unlock the cage ,
that i may i walk out and taste the sweetness of life that lies outside it
before my entire being decomposes within it......

i have the key, but where.... have i put it.......???

In the Valley of Hell

"Even if i should walk in the valley of the shadow of hell, no evil would i fear"- Psalms 23

The dungeon is like the valley of hell, EVIL lurks around, waiting to pounce on the next willing or unwilling victim to join its quest for more evil. i had been an unwilling victim, having been shot with an arrow full of poison, the poison had spreaded from my mind to my heart. So now, indeed , in the valley of hell, no evil would i fear, for i am the epitome of evil myself.

The dangerous ideas and evil thoughts that run through my mind whenever i enter the dungeon appeared only to be horrendous to me when i'm out of the dungeon; thoughts so evil and dangerous i hope i would never be provoked enough to bring into action, though i do very much wish the SsOB would come to their deserving ends. It doesn't help that i'm still engulfed in a seemingly unextinguishable fire of fury, at times when i'd thought it had been extinguished to a 'bo-chap' state, i got provoked all over again.

Now, why do i get provoked everytime i enter the dungeon?
'cos like an exposed wound, any contact with anything hurts
(how they know u so super sensitive and get provoked so easily by little bit of things? bodoh!!!)


The dungeon, is, indeed the valley of hell; the wages that feed my household are, the chains that bind me.

黑夜，为何漫长无尽？

黎明，何时盼到您到临？

想要飞，却怎么也飞不高

寵辱不驚

Bought a few books last November in Chengdu and havn't had time to read them all. Flipped through one yesterday, a self-helped book entitled 'Just let it go-放下就是快乐' and think it's really God's way of telling me to get out of my anger state. The book contained many anecedotes and philosophical ways of looking at life's down moments and though i've read many of similar stuff and know what i should be thinking and doing, i had wilfully refused to let myself heal accordingly.

When i turned to the page with the following story, i felt it was speaking directly at my situation and though it may not totally lift me out yet, i'll share it here as a form of self therapy and a reminder to myself. Purposely typed it all out tediously in traditional chinese so that i'll really digest the words....

The following is extracted from the book 'Just let it go' by Xiao Yue 以下摘自潇月所著的‘放下就是快乐’


唐代的時候 , 有一次 , 一艘負責運糧的船隻在途中遇到大風浪 , 糧船沉沒 , 損失了很多糧食．這次事故影響很大，於是負責管理業績考評的官員盧承慶 , 給負責運糧的官員評了個'下'. 得知此事後 , 那位官員既不爭辯 , 也沒怨恨盧承慶 , 一臉平靜地走開了.
對此 , 盧承慶很驚訝, 要知道業績評定直接影響官吏的升遷及俸祿, 以官吏的切身利益密切相關 , 而這位官員似乎并不在意. 深感奇怪的盧承慶又詳細查問了整個事情的經過 , 才知道並不是那名官員的錯 , 於是將評定改為'中'.

盧承慶將新的評定拿給那名官員, 心想:"他一定會欣喜無比."
沒想到, 那位官員依然心靜如水, 沒有絲毫興奮的表現.

"不管甚麼時侯都能做到鎮定自如,寵辱不驚," 盧承慶不由在心中讚嘆 , 這才是真正的心胸寬闊的人才!"
於是, 盧承慶又將那名官員的評定改為"上"

人生有高潮也有低潮 , 生活有苦也有樂 , 有失去也會有得到, 這是我們人生必經的過程. 所以 , 失意時, 多看看自己所得到的; 得意時, 想想失去的時候, 就會坦然而平靜.....就會懷着一顆感恩的心, 面對人生.

菜根譚里古人曰: 寵辱不驚 , 閑看庭前花開花落 ; 去留無意 , 漫隨天外雲卷雲舒.

不管得到還是失去 , 如果處之泰然, 寵辱不驚 , 那麼, 我們的人生才會充滿快樂,也才會更加成功.

But of course if i have a superior like that who bothered to find out the truth and do amendment accordingly, i might be able to achieve that '宠辱不惊' cool state too....er....doesn't sound right yeah? Actually, the moral of the whole story is : whether the truth be out or not, whether we suffered a loss or made a gain, it should not bother us at all, for all gains and losses, riches or glory are temporal, like the flowers in the gardens that bloom and wither...like the passing clouds that gather and disperse... hmmmm.....i'll try...

TMD 心情

以为

心情已调好
身心没事了

岂料

未到岗位
TMD的事情连珠炮

惊觉

怒火未消
死灰复燃

星星之火
得以燎原

结果

怨气不断上升
一发不可收拾

心、神、体 都被怒火吞噬

眼前事物都成导火线

耳根言语都成爆发力

突然

好像明白藏民何以暴力宣泄
揍些人砸些东西 喊喊屈-我欲也


咋办？

暂时走不开
病假拿不得
心理未得平衡
怨怒未得释放
继续面对TMDWB一堆

后果将是怎样？

怒海无边

怒海无边
回头是岸

然

不愿上岸

因

愤怒无罪
生气有理

怒

是我所剩无几的权力

但

伤身伤神伤关系
即不益人
也不利己

智者

早日上岸
免溺毙于汹涌怒海中

而我。。。。。

还是需要一段时间的自我心理治疗。。。

继续努力。。。

浇熄心中火。。

让心胸释怀。。。