here's an environment modelled after that of a condominium
in fact, the units here are called 'premium'
the blocks currently are only about half full
the whole estate is still 'brand new'
the foreign workers have done their job deligently
in ensuring the surroundings are pleasing aethestically
yet, you,
yes, you
the ones burning 'hell money' and other 'hell luxuries'
right on the pathways that had been paved so beautifully
Have your recipients or the smoke caused you to be blind
see you not the ugly burnt marks you have left behind?
it's true the town council has yet to provide a bin
but is it too much to bring down your own tin?
this is our country, this is our land
you are my neighbour, my fellow country man.....
pooi!
your uncivic-mindedness , i really cannot stand!
the place you call home you treat it with such shame
it's no wonder when you're abroad, you bring us a bad name
Let it be, the 'Ugly Singaporean' tag
stuck on that back of yours and all who civic-mindedness lack!
but please, confine your ugly behaviour to your very own nest
spare the environment, spare the estate keepers,the ghosts and all the rest...
胡言乱语之魂飞魄散
天葬是藏族采用的一种我个人觉得即环保又极有意义的葬礼。
仪式中天葬师将死者的尸体割成片块，将骨头包括头颅砸碎然后拌点糌粑，跟着召唤天葬台周边的秃鹰来分享这些肉块与骨头。
通常，鸟儿们都会吃得一干二净。而藏人也相信尸首吃得干干净净往生者才能到天堂去。
相比之下，火葬需要燃料，土葬占据土地，水葬有可能污染河流，所以天葬是处理尸体最环保的方法，而将肉体喂食鸟禽，也有一点佛教里‘舍身饲虎’的伟大精神含义。
死后肉身解决了，那么假设真有灵魂的话，灵魂该咋处理呢？
藏人相信秃鹰能将灵魂带到天堂去。。。。
佛教徒相信人死后灵魂仍会转世投胎，然后一直轮回直到修得极乐境界；
道教有修德得道升天或造孽打入十八层地狱永不超生之说；
基督教、伊斯兰教、犹太教亦相信死后灵不是被判永居天堂便是到地狱永受苦。
看来人死后安息也不易。
我就觉得人死后最好是魂飞魄散。
人生
必经的生老病死
一次就够了。
即使今生是多么精彩，不包下回同样幸运，
今生若是痛不欲生那么谈来生更是小生怕怕了。
而天堂地狱嘛，只不过是换个地方过活，搞不好还要在那里头面对你今生讨厌的人与律法一辈子。
没完没了到永远的日子受得了吗？
所以，我觉得人死后不只要天葬，最好也加一掌-
如来神掌，
将其灵魂打到魂飞魄散，
一了百了，干净利落。
btw: skyburial cannot anyhow see without permission from the family or the priest, all the more cannot take pics of the body,else funny things happen like your roll of negatives turned out to be blank for no reason.......
仪式中天葬师将死者的尸体割成片块，将骨头包括头颅砸碎然后拌点糌粑，跟着召唤天葬台周边的秃鹰来分享这些肉块与骨头。
通常，鸟儿们都会吃得一干二净。而藏人也相信尸首吃得干干净净往生者才能到天堂去。
相比之下，火葬需要燃料，土葬占据土地，水葬有可能污染河流，所以天葬是处理尸体最环保的方法，而将肉体喂食鸟禽，也有一点佛教里‘舍身饲虎’的伟大精神含义。
死后肉身解决了，那么假设真有灵魂的话，灵魂该咋处理呢？
藏人相信秃鹰能将灵魂带到天堂去。。。。
佛教徒相信人死后灵魂仍会转世投胎，然后一直轮回直到修得极乐境界；
道教有修德得道升天或造孽打入十八层地狱永不超生之说；
基督教、伊斯兰教、犹太教亦相信死后灵不是被判永居天堂便是到地狱永受苦。
看来人死后安息也不易。
我就觉得人死后最好是魂飞魄散。
人生
必经的生老病死
一次就够了。
即使今生是多么精彩，不包下回同样幸运，
今生若是痛不欲生那么谈来生更是小生怕怕了。
而天堂地狱嘛，只不过是换个地方过活，搞不好还要在那里头面对你今生讨厌的人与律法一辈子。
没完没了到永远的日子受得了吗？
所以，我觉得人死后不只要天葬，最好也加一掌-
如来神掌，
将其灵魂打到魂飞魄散，
一了百了，干净利落。
btw: skyburial cannot anyhow see without permission from the family or the priest, all the more cannot take pics of the body,else funny things happen like your roll of negatives turned out to be blank for no reason.......
从冷笑话说起。。。
From the internet :
你知道金庸写的 14 本书可以连成一个对联吗？
“飞雪连天射白鹿,笑书神侠倚碧鸳”
你知道J.K.罗琳写的 7 本书也可以连成一句话吗？
“哈哈哈哈哈哈哈”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the way, 说到“哈。。。”， 今天看到一则关于Daniel Radcliffe (演Harry Potter 的那个帅男生) 的新闻，说他有轻微的dyspraxia，所以不会绑鞋带。我之前只知道dyslexia,现在知道还有dyspraxia,dyspepsia等等。。。
Anyway, after reading the symptoms of dyspraxia from this website :
http://www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/services/ad_symptoms.php
i suspect it's the reason why i also have problem tying my shoelaces; why it took me 2years to learn how to ride a bike; why i could never learn how to skate or roller blade; why i can't help 'tumbling' down a slope; why i used to throw the ball backwards during basketball and handball games in my youth; why i'm the record holder for breaking teh highest number of apparatus in the chemistry lab in my secondary and uni days; why i cna't seem to be able to master typing , and why i keep having problems typing the words "teh" and "lsot"..er..i mean "the" and "lost" etc... and why i get depressed and frustrated easily...
maybe i also have mild dyspraxia like "哈哈哈哈哈哈哈"! ?????
but then again, i have beautiful handwriting
“哈哈哈哈哈哈哈”
你知道金庸写的 14 本书可以连成一个对联吗？
“飞雪连天射白鹿,笑书神侠倚碧鸳”
你知道J.K.罗琳写的 7 本书也可以连成一句话吗？
“哈哈哈哈哈哈哈”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the way, 说到“哈。。。”， 今天看到一则关于Daniel Radcliffe (演Harry Potter 的那个帅男生) 的新闻，说他有轻微的dyspraxia，所以不会绑鞋带。我之前只知道dyslexia,现在知道还有dyspraxia,dyspepsia等等。。。
Anyway, after reading the symptoms of dyspraxia from this website :
http://www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/services/ad_symptoms.php
i suspect it's the reason why i also have problem tying my shoelaces; why it took me 2years to learn how to ride a bike; why i could never learn how to skate or roller blade; why i can't help 'tumbling' down a slope; why i used to throw the ball backwards during basketball and handball games in my youth; why i'm the record holder for breaking teh highest number of apparatus in the chemistry lab in my secondary and uni days; why i cna't seem to be able to master typing , and why i keep having problems typing the words "teh" and "lsot"..er..i mean "the" and "lost" etc... and why i get depressed and frustrated easily...
maybe i also have mild dyspraxia like "哈哈哈哈哈哈哈"! ?????
but then again, i have beautiful handwriting
“哈哈哈哈哈哈哈”
3 Cheers to 2008!
in an out
of clinics and hospitals
tests, scans and reviews
deja vu
of the years '01-'02
Then, it was for the family
This round, it's me
water...
when it's part of the sea.
it's a source of inspiration to me
when it's part of the lake
it's my sanctuary and oasis
when it's part of essential intake
too bad..it's my nemesis
crystals...
beautiful when adorning the exterior body
Not so attractive when traced in the kidneys
growths...
welcoming when it's your income
troubling when it's internal lumps
4.6cm.....
Not exactly worrisome
yet, significant
Some have it twice the size
and it's not a great cause of concern
some have it smaller,
but unfortunately, maglignant
More visits...more tests...
more diagnosis, more parting of cash
Alerts and alarms, sounding in orchestrated symphony
from one part to another, timed perfectly
Never have the words 'suay' and 'age'
been emphasized greater
than this once in a lifetime year
-the great 2008!
still...
3 cheers for 2008 indeed,
esp.for the women's table tennis!
-for proving that money does make the world go round so that 自家人will meet again to bag both top honours and money
-for ZYN, ever so cool and steady
-for the homemade kimchis, who are in actual fact second only to one race/nation in the world
of clinics and hospitals
tests, scans and reviews
deja vu
of the years '01-'02
Then, it was for the family
This round, it's me
water...
when it's part of the sea.
it's a source of inspiration to me
when it's part of the lake
it's my sanctuary and oasis
when it's part of essential intake
too bad..it's my nemesis
crystals...
beautiful when adorning the exterior body
Not so attractive when traced in the kidneys
growths...
welcoming when it's your income
troubling when it's internal lumps
4.6cm.....
Not exactly worrisome
yet, significant
Some have it twice the size
and it's not a great cause of concern
some have it smaller,
but unfortunately, maglignant
More visits...more tests...
more diagnosis, more parting of cash
Alerts and alarms, sounding in orchestrated symphony
from one part to another, timed perfectly
Never have the words 'suay' and 'age'
been emphasized greater
than this once in a lifetime year
-the great 2008!
still...
3 cheers for 2008 indeed,
esp.for the women's table tennis!
-for proving that money does make the world go round so that 自家人will meet again to bag both top honours and money
-for ZYN, ever so cool and steady
-for the homemade kimchis, who are in actual fact second only to one race/nation in the world
练功
参与北京奥运开幕礼的所有表演者都一定经过了漫长的严格训练才有昨日那令整个世界尤其是我叹为观止的表现吧？
或许我也该练练功了。
该练练标准的笑脸，
即使面对很讨厌的人也对着他和颜欢笑；
该练练温和的语气，
即使多么不爽不悦也温和的对应；
该练练配合群众要求，
参与道三说四胡扯东西南北的活动；
该练练对问候我好不好的人说：
I'm great, never felt better in my life。 Life is wonderful!
该练练身藏不漏，
禁止让心里的感觉都写在脸上；
更该练练深呼吸
与及
如何控制泛滥的眼泪
是的，
我必须练才行
这是亡羊补牢，
补那个被‘朋友之间的关心’所造成的名誉损失
即使可能已经来不及了。
也只能望公司里尊贵的阿哥阿姐们能高抬贵手与贵舌，
放我一马，把箭收起留着下届奥运时参赛用吧。
我会尽快尝试练成符合你们要求的‘标准表现’，
可也必须给我时间哈！
毕竟我不是天生的演员或像你们这样的功力深厚。
这对我来说简直是比李宁在空中绕场点火炬还高难度的挑战。
但我会尝试的，只愿谢幕后还能找回真我。
All the world's a stage, and men and women merely players
[William Shakespeare in 'As You Like It']
或许我也该练练功了。
该练练标准的笑脸，
即使面对很讨厌的人也对着他和颜欢笑；
该练练温和的语气，
即使多么不爽不悦也温和的对应；
该练练配合群众要求，
参与道三说四胡扯东西南北的活动；
该练练对问候我好不好的人说：
I'm great, never felt better in my life。 Life is wonderful!
该练练身藏不漏，
禁止让心里的感觉都写在脸上；
更该练练深呼吸
与及
如何控制泛滥的眼泪
是的，
我必须练才行
这是亡羊补牢，
补那个被‘朋友之间的关心’所造成的名誉损失
即使可能已经来不及了。
也只能望公司里尊贵的阿哥阿姐们能高抬贵手与贵舌，
放我一马，把箭收起留着下届奥运时参赛用吧。
我会尽快尝试练成符合你们要求的‘标准表现’，
可也必须给我时间哈！
毕竟我不是天生的演员或像你们这样的功力深厚。
这对我来说简直是比李宁在空中绕场点火炬还高难度的挑战。
但我会尝试的，只愿谢幕后还能找回真我。
All the world's a stage, and men and women merely players
[William Shakespeare in 'As You Like It']
Concern?
本来已收拾好心情积极准备十月的旅程，带着心平气和的心来工作，却又再遭一箭攻心---真是暗箭难防啊！
工作到一半，上司要求见我：
说:
有好几位同事向他反映我最近非常不妥，似乎碰上了问题又没能看得开，和同事之间既不来往也不打招呼，更糟的是工作态度很不合作并且造成大家运作上很多不便，甚至可能会危害大家，还说我一下班就立刻走人，
说我的工作态度是只做够基本要求不愿付出更多：他举了一个同事们向他举报的例子，
那例子让我倍感生气，明明是让小人之心冤枉了我！
我不知几位同事们还向他‘反映’了些什么，总之他强调我不该‘误会’同事们的用意，说同事们包括他都是出自于‘一片朋友之间的关心’，只是想让我与大家分享我的烦恼，不要玩自闭。
听着听着，言下之意是怕我影响工作影响大家的心情。。。
‘朋友之间的关心’- 真好听的名词儿。
‘朋友’会在你背后向你上司这样反映的吗？说什么他们不知怎么跟我开口才向上司反映，希望他能开解我。
哈哈哈哈！
如果所谓的朋友不知怎么跟我开口不知如何开解我，难道那个我难得和他碰面的上司就能吗？
明明怕我死不了拖累了他们所以索性再摆我多一刀，玩死我吧？
或是我不带微笑的语气和难看的脸色得罪了他们吧？
他们这么地向上司‘反映’，后果是什么，他们会不知道吗？
上司最后再三叮嘱：如果我什么时候觉得不能胜任了就要马上通知他。 看来我的饭碗真的快砸了。
我不怪上司， 他若是不知者皆无罪，但既然有人向他反映了而日后我出了篓子他就得负责任了，所以他得先发出声明，也可能从今天起他得常常暗中盯着我，不过他也不愁没人向他打报告吧？
可悲的人生啊。。。
我只是要默默地做我的工作，不想参与是是非非没天没理的事，这就叫：antisocial behaviour
不打招呼不笑颜迎人不答应就是 ：not responsive, resentful
不想多开口因为我知道也讨厌我的容易激动容易哭就像刚才上司找我见他一样，情绪波动眼睛泛红接着就哽咽难说话。
为什么他们口口声声说‘怕 antagonize' 我却又要在我工作的时候射出每支箭？
之前的两封Private & Confidential 加上这一次都是在我工作一半时发的，让我情绪没平稳之前，还得继续保持冷静工作，太残忍了！
人言可畏！ 披着羊皮的狼儿们更可畏！假借‘concern' 为名发出带毒液的蜜糖毒箭更是可耻。
我只不过想混口饭吃罢了，用得着对我落井下石吗？
我不想对一些不明事理的人多啰嗦我的心情与感受，以免他们到处反映成为茶余饭后的话题，更怕自己若敞开心里话就会激动得无法工作，只是这样而已，需不需要要这么集体在背后攻击我呀？
我即使烂也不会对朋友做这种‘向上司反映对朋友关心的事’，
即使再糟也会知道在我手里的是人命，不会因为发泄情绪而让大家陪葬。
是因为我不像从前的我那么友善而看我不顺眼，觉得我不合群我会危害大家吗？
如果我本来就是这样的你们又会这样子看我吗？
黑洞里可能危害群众的人多的是，怎么不朝他们开刀去？
是朋友的就让我安安静静的过活。
别让我在平复心情后又一波一波的冲过来，
别让我在黑名单或白名单上榜上有名，我不博出位也不要被践踏，
请求各位阿哥阿姐们不要把我卷入你们的‘践踏别人让自己上位’的计划里，拜托！
黄药师不削人间世俗的荒谬而断然隐居桃花岛我行我素却被封之为‘邪’，难道他真邪吗？
我本向往着下个出游计划里的蓝天白云雪山湖泊的漂亮心情，原本期待着回家看奥运开幕礼的兴奋，
一一被砸了，
被‘朋友的关心’砸了的。
如此‘朋友’？ 阴啊！
有某种人，只能在地上用木屐拍打他的名字而不能得罪他，偶三生有幸得以与这种人共事
工作到一半，上司要求见我：
说:
有好几位同事向他反映我最近非常不妥，似乎碰上了问题又没能看得开，和同事之间既不来往也不打招呼，更糟的是工作态度很不合作并且造成大家运作上很多不便，甚至可能会危害大家，还说我一下班就立刻走人，
说我的工作态度是只做够基本要求不愿付出更多：他举了一个同事们向他举报的例子，
那例子让我倍感生气，明明是让小人之心冤枉了我！
我不知几位同事们还向他‘反映’了些什么，总之他强调我不该‘误会’同事们的用意，说同事们包括他都是出自于‘一片朋友之间的关心’，只是想让我与大家分享我的烦恼，不要玩自闭。
听着听着，言下之意是怕我影响工作影响大家的心情。。。
‘朋友之间的关心’- 真好听的名词儿。
‘朋友’会在你背后向你上司这样反映的吗？说什么他们不知怎么跟我开口才向上司反映，希望他能开解我。
哈哈哈哈！
如果所谓的朋友不知怎么跟我开口不知如何开解我，难道那个我难得和他碰面的上司就能吗？
明明怕我死不了拖累了他们所以索性再摆我多一刀，玩死我吧？
或是我不带微笑的语气和难看的脸色得罪了他们吧？
他们这么地向上司‘反映’，后果是什么，他们会不知道吗？
上司最后再三叮嘱：如果我什么时候觉得不能胜任了就要马上通知他。 看来我的饭碗真的快砸了。
我不怪上司， 他若是不知者皆无罪，但既然有人向他反映了而日后我出了篓子他就得负责任了，所以他得先发出声明，也可能从今天起他得常常暗中盯着我，不过他也不愁没人向他打报告吧？
可悲的人生啊。。。
我只是要默默地做我的工作，不想参与是是非非没天没理的事，这就叫：antisocial behaviour
不打招呼不笑颜迎人不答应就是 ：not responsive, resentful
不想多开口因为我知道也讨厌我的容易激动容易哭就像刚才上司找我见他一样，情绪波动眼睛泛红接着就哽咽难说话。
为什么他们口口声声说‘怕 antagonize' 我却又要在我工作的时候射出每支箭？
之前的两封Private & Confidential 加上这一次都是在我工作一半时发的，让我情绪没平稳之前，还得继续保持冷静工作，太残忍了！
人言可畏！ 披着羊皮的狼儿们更可畏！假借‘concern' 为名发出带毒液的蜜糖毒箭更是可耻。
我只不过想混口饭吃罢了，用得着对我落井下石吗？
我不想对一些不明事理的人多啰嗦我的心情与感受，以免他们到处反映成为茶余饭后的话题，更怕自己若敞开心里话就会激动得无法工作，只是这样而已，需不需要要这么集体在背后攻击我呀？
我即使烂也不会对朋友做这种‘向上司反映对朋友关心的事’，
即使再糟也会知道在我手里的是人命，不会因为发泄情绪而让大家陪葬。
是因为我不像从前的我那么友善而看我不顺眼，觉得我不合群我会危害大家吗？
如果我本来就是这样的你们又会这样子看我吗？
黑洞里可能危害群众的人多的是，怎么不朝他们开刀去？
是朋友的就让我安安静静的过活。
别让我在平复心情后又一波一波的冲过来，
别让我在黑名单或白名单上榜上有名，我不博出位也不要被践踏，
请求各位阿哥阿姐们不要把我卷入你们的‘践踏别人让自己上位’的计划里，拜托！
黄药师不削人间世俗的荒谬而断然隐居桃花岛我行我素却被封之为‘邪’，难道他真邪吗？
我本向往着下个出游计划里的蓝天白云雪山湖泊的漂亮心情，原本期待着回家看奥运开幕礼的兴奋，
一一被砸了，
被‘朋友的关心’砸了的。
如此‘朋友’？ 阴啊！
有某种人，只能在地上用木屐拍打他的名字而不能得罪他，偶三生有幸得以与这种人共事
080808
T'is 080808 today, a once in a century occurence, it seemed. The last time it was 080808 was in the year 1908 , a century ago and the next time it will be 080808 will be in the year 2108, a century later.
As such, many cashed in on this so called 'auspicious' day (as many chinese would believe it to be since the number '8' is almost homonymous to 'prosperous' in chinese) -hence the opening of the Beijing Olympics on this day and, here in our homeland, we have the grand 8million dollar Toto draw.
i have always loathed Toto and 4D. i remembered having no money to pay for my school fees when i was a kid because my father had spent all his money betting on 4D and so even though my entire family still indulge religiously in punting on these every week, i've refused stubbornly to participate.
However, i do once in a blue moon, when asked by my colleagues to pool for a particular draw, oblige. Even that , is probably once in a few years and my part is only to hand over the max $5 i'm willing to part with. i have never known how to 'buy' Toto or 4D on my own for that matter.
Today, however, i've walked into a Toto outlet, and placed my first personal solo bet on Toto.
i've no inspired numbers, cos i've only decided to queue because i was early for work. The queue was long and i waited almost half an hour before i got to the counter. Whilst queuing, the older lady behind me was giving a lesson on how to play Toto and 4D to the 2 younger ladies who were with her,and it gave a green horn like me a better idea of what to do at the counter. Obviously she's a seasoned punter, betting on every possible inspired number such as the number of people in the queue to the number of minutes she had been queuing.
A man walked past and made fun of the people in the queue saying something like : wah, free one, sure win one hor!
The punter behind me was angry and retorted but i actually quite agreed with the man's mockery. Indeed, the length of queue would easily suggest some free good is being distributed or that it's a sure win draw.
i've always believed the big sweeps, toto sand 4Ds are but legalized big money making scams. Still millions fall for it, not because it's a sure win, nor that it's free, but for a hope, a hope to get them what they want, be it a home, a marriage, a business, a title, an education , a car, a clearance of debt,.....etc
i've never believed in wasting money down the drain for such hopes. But, today, driven by a desperation so great,i too, like many of those in the queue, queued and walked into the outlet to pay for a hope. The desperation to be freed from having to remain in a job environment i dread and to be freed from all financial burdens i've to shoulder, so great it drove me to do something i've loathed doing for all of my life- pay the price of 2 lunches for a tiny piece of paper that could mean a change of destiny for me or yet another hope crushed.
080808, ‘定发定发定发’-meaning thrice , sure strike, may it be an auspicious day too for me, i am desperate.
In memory of a dear friend 忆亡友
2 years ago this day, Mg was found dead at the bottom of a block of flats in Clementi, far away from where she lived. I was told that next to her body was found the bible - the Word of God.
Mg was my JC mate. We had clicked well in JC because we had similar backgrounds and interests. She had beautiful sparkling eyes, rosy cheeks, freckled from too much outdoor activities, and an ever mischievous smile. Despite the problems in life she had to face from time to time, she had always displayed a positive, cheerful disposition, always putting her trust in the God she had known since she was born. We had kept in touch on and off all through the years even after we've left college and went on to different varsities , even after we went on to work in different fields. She was one of the only 3 people whom i have invited to attend my baptism.
She was an engineer by training but found her calling in teaching autistic kids so she had resigned from engineering to take up a course in special education at her own expense, went on to take a huge pay cut to teach in one of our special schools here. The job was , as imaginable, challenging and possibly emotionally draining but she had found it worthwhile enough to continue for almost a decade. We lost touch about 3 to 4 years back and then,about 2 years ago she contacted me and told me she had resigned to take a break from work. We met several times after that, and she told me she was looking for another job; meanwhile she had sold her flat, splurged on a new car, went travelling and scuba diving several times and was basically 'enjoying' life. i did at that time, found her extravagant lifestyle a little unlike her but thought then she really deserved a good break.
However, something did worry me the last two times we met: her mood swing was swift and apparent, from enthusiastically talking about her next planned diving trip to complaining at an almost paranoid level of noises caused by her ex-neighbour--she was sure there was a conspiracy by her ex-students, ex-colleagues and ex-neighbours to disturb her at her old flat, so much so she had to sell it. Her bitterness towards her ex neighbour and colleagues were so evident and her sometimes incoherent story worried me. The more worrying thing was, i noticed drugs in her car that were meant for schizophrenic patients. (i know someone taking the same drug). But i didn't dare probe her about it. i also did not bother to call her up to find out how she was doing when she didn't contact me for almost a few months after we last met. Afterall, she had still seemed rather cheerful and was talking about her next diving trip.....
And then, news came about her death, i couldn't believe it. i sms-ed her, hoping in vain for a reply but to no avail. Finally, i called up the source of the news and found out even sadder news-
-the family had not known when but Mg had suddenly shown a drastic change in personality, had had frequent quarrels with the family and had accused family members of doing things behind her back, so much so she had fallen out with all of them, including her beloved nieces whom she had adored.
Mg was my JC mate. We had clicked well in JC because we had similar backgrounds and interests. She had beautiful sparkling eyes, rosy cheeks, freckled from too much outdoor activities, and an ever mischievous smile. Despite the problems in life she had to face from time to time, she had always displayed a positive, cheerful disposition, always putting her trust in the God she had known since she was born. We had kept in touch on and off all through the years even after we've left college and went on to different varsities , even after we went on to work in different fields. She was one of the only 3 people whom i have invited to attend my baptism.
She was an engineer by training but found her calling in teaching autistic kids so she had resigned from engineering to take up a course in special education at her own expense, went on to take a huge pay cut to teach in one of our special schools here. The job was , as imaginable, challenging and possibly emotionally draining but she had found it worthwhile enough to continue for almost a decade. We lost touch about 3 to 4 years back and then,about 2 years ago she contacted me and told me she had resigned to take a break from work. We met several times after that, and she told me she was looking for another job; meanwhile she had sold her flat, splurged on a new car, went travelling and scuba diving several times and was basically 'enjoying' life. i did at that time, found her extravagant lifestyle a little unlike her but thought then she really deserved a good break.
However, something did worry me the last two times we met: her mood swing was swift and apparent, from enthusiastically talking about her next planned diving trip to complaining at an almost paranoid level of noises caused by her ex-neighbour--she was sure there was a conspiracy by her ex-students, ex-colleagues and ex-neighbours to disturb her at her old flat, so much so she had to sell it. Her bitterness towards her ex neighbour and colleagues were so evident and her sometimes incoherent story worried me. The more worrying thing was, i noticed drugs in her car that were meant for schizophrenic patients. (i know someone taking the same drug). But i didn't dare probe her about it. i also did not bother to call her up to find out how she was doing when she didn't contact me for almost a few months after we last met. Afterall, she had still seemed rather cheerful and was talking about her next diving trip.....
And then, news came about her death, i couldn't believe it. i sms-ed her, hoping in vain for a reply but to no avail. Finally, i called up the source of the news and found out even sadder news-
-the family had not known when but Mg had suddenly shown a drastic change in personality, had had frequent quarrels with the family and had accused family members of doing things behind her back, so much so she had fallen out with all of them, including her beloved nieces whom she had adored.
-she had also distanced herself from the groups of close friends she used to hang out with and instead started to go on trips with strangers
-she had been putting up in her car at night as she had no where to go after selling her flat and falling out with the family;
-she was terribly angered when the family suggested she visited a psychologist or counsellor;
-nobody in her family knew if she was mentally ill or emotionally traumatized and nobody knew why she had chosen to end her life that way;
The thoughts that had come to my mind since then were:
-what was on her mind before she jumped?
-if she was truly suffering from a mental illness, was her mind clear when she jumped? Had she decided to end her suffering or had she been affected by 'noises' prompting her to jump?
-what had she gone through that had caused her to contract such a torturous disease?
-would it have helped if i had confronted her about the drugs, been more concerned about her state of mind/health and brought it to her family's attention?
-where was God the moment she jumped?
i had not been able to resolve the answers and i had felt a sense of guilt all these while, so much so i did not have the courage to attend her wake nor to pay respects to her at the church crematorium during her death anniversaries. It takes a lot of courage to choose to end your life by jumping from a block of flats, Mg WAS a courageous and plucky girl but i didn't in my wildest dream expect her to use her courage in such a tragic way.
She was only in her thirties.....
Our society needs to provide greater support, resources and help for patients suffering from mental illness and their families.
-she had been putting up in her car at night as she had no where to go after selling her flat and falling out with the family;
-she was terribly angered when the family suggested she visited a psychologist or counsellor;
-nobody in her family knew if she was mentally ill or emotionally traumatized and nobody knew why she had chosen to end her life that way;
The thoughts that had come to my mind since then were:
-what was on her mind before she jumped?
-if she was truly suffering from a mental illness, was her mind clear when she jumped? Had she decided to end her suffering or had she been affected by 'noises' prompting her to jump?
-what had she gone through that had caused her to contract such a torturous disease?
-would it have helped if i had confronted her about the drugs, been more concerned about her state of mind/health and brought it to her family's attention?
-where was God the moment she jumped?
i had not been able to resolve the answers and i had felt a sense of guilt all these while, so much so i did not have the courage to attend her wake nor to pay respects to her at the church crematorium during her death anniversaries. It takes a lot of courage to choose to end your life by jumping from a block of flats, Mg WAS a courageous and plucky girl but i didn't in my wildest dream expect her to use her courage in such a tragic way.
She was only in her thirties.....
Our society needs to provide greater support, resources and help for patients suffering from mental illness and their families.
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